So you read my blog. You double tap my instagram photos. You scroll past my tweets and roll your eyes. Today we dwell in a period where knowing someone is complteley different than, well, KNOWING them. So, if you really KNOW me, you know that if I truly want to get to know someone, I ask them personal questions such as their favorite color, restaurant, day of the week (I skipped that one while questioning Rebecca Black), accessory, book, etc. And, well, that’s when I realized that people never really care enough to ask me these questions back.
And that upsets me.
Just kidding, why have friends when you have the internet?
Point is, I asked myself these questions. Read my answers if you love your mother or if you want to go to heaven.
1. What question do you hate to answer?
“How are you?!” I don’t particularly HATE this question. I hate how it’s lost all meaning and just continues to be a portion of common courtesy. I hate to spoil it to you, but half the time someone asks “how are you?” they really don’t care.
2. Ugly and forever, or attractive and die in a year?
3. Best compliment you ever recieved?
A couple of months ago my sister and I were watching PLL* when she randomly looked at me and went “Afsheen….you’re so fun. Whenever I see you with someone, or you’re in a group, people are always having fun.” Then, she tried to hug me so I burped in her face.
*PLL or “Pretty Little Liars” is a documentary on the Discovery Channel that explores the phenomena that are cloud and weather patterns, exclusively centered toward cumulus clouds and their effect on the climate and early civilization productivity. Well, in case my mom ever asks.
4. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep?
27 hours, after I saw Nightmare on Elm Street.
5. If you had to be named after a city, street, country, etc. what would you chose?
6. What was the last thing you bought?
Hmm...I think it was either an HDMI cable, Benadryl cream, or a pack of straws. I’m not as cool as I don’t seem.
7. Are you good at cooking?
I don’t get this question. I don’t believe that anyone can really be good at cooking. Rather, there are people who know how to follow directions in a cookbook. And no. The most gourmet meal I can make is easy mac, and trust me, it isn’t as easy as it looks.
8. Have you ever been admitted into a hospital?
Twice: first, when I was born. And the second time being when I got into a car wreck almost two years ago. One year for every sock in a pair, I suppose.
9. Are you a good liar? Yes! I am an excellent liar. (see, I did it again!)
10. Who is your celebrity inspiration?
Probably Mindy Kaling, Angelina Jolie or the fish from Spongebob who is always exclaiming things about his foot. Also, the reptiles/amphibians/marching bad that continue to cheer Dora on whenever she accomplishes something.
11. Have you ever milked a cow?
One time in 2nd grade my class went on a picnic to the pioneer farm. There, an old man with only one front tooth was teaching us how to milk cows and letting us try. Once it was my turn, I poked the cow’s udder and cried the whole ride home.
12. Do you talk to yourself? Yes, all the time. Don’t we, Duriba?
13. Tell an interesting story.
So freshman year of high school one of my best friend got a goldfish (unfortunately not the edible type), whom she decided to name after me through my middle name, Afsheen. I was supremely pleased for the honor. A couple of months went by and Afsheen died, so I basically got super paranoid and refused to leave my house, seeing it as a “sign”. Did I mention I’m a little bit crazy?
14. Do you collect anything?
Yes, souls. Also, videos!
15. What’s your favorite party game?
the quiet game.
16. If you were a sumo wrestler, what would your name be?
DOORIIIBBBAA. (it has an i now, ok?)
17. What’s something your friends don’t like about you?
The fact that I’m always joking. Whenever I’m serious, I have to let them know by looking them in the eye, keeping a straight face, and holding a pocketknife to their necks.
18. What’s your favorite song?
I Like to Move It from the movie Madagascar.
19. If you discovered a new species of Dinosaur, what would you call it?
20. What was your first detention for?
One time, in fifth grade, me and this girl (she who should not be mentioned) were sitting in my science teacher at the time who also happened to be a diver, Mr. Plaine. She who should not be mentioned had this Barbie lunchbox which featured multiple Barbie characters such as Teresa, Barbie, Kelly and whatever the latino one’s name is. So I was just minding my own business when she tapped my on the shoulder and pointed to Teresa and said “This is you”, then pointed to Barbie and said “this is me”.
I was enraged.
First of all, who does this chick think she is? I’M BARBIE. I’M ALWAYS BARBIE. And now, she be like “oh, you Teresa!”. Because HELL NAW, OK? How about she be Teresa, and her mom be Kelly, and her brother be the latino one? Who does she think she is, making herself Barbie? Does she look like the speaker of the freaking house? She sure as heck doesn’t look like Barack Obama. And she wanna be Barbie? Like hitta please, you Barbie’s tutti and that’s that.
So, basically, I very upset and tried to calmly remind her who Barbie was by repeatedly jamming my finger onto her lunchbox and whispering in a voice that was not my inside voice that “THIS. IS. ME.” Then, Mr. Plaine came around with his pregnant belly and yelled at the both of us. Although only I got detention, while Mr. Plaine was screaming a stream of spit fell onto Teresa’s face.
Put her in her dang place.
Unless you live under a rock, (or around a rock. Such as “Round Rock”. You Texans feel me doe) you’ve heard of The Purge series. The second film to the sequence, “The Purge: Anarchy” was recently released, and the hype over it is KILLING ME. For those of you who are old and crumbly (We don’t judge here, okay?) or are just out of the loop, such as I was before my sister so excitedly showed me the trailer before we sat down and spent 1 hour discussing interpretations of the film, its alright. Anyway, the point of these films is that the American government is allowing 24 hours for citizens to perform any crimes without authoritative interference. People do all sorts of crazy things: murder, slap, theft, abuse, leave loose legos for their enemies to step on (god, our cruel world!), slam countertops on people’s hips, lick a chip when their frenemy reaches for it...basically the world goes (excuse my lack of a better word) CREY.
Now, what would I specifically do if the purge were to occur?
Well, let me tell you, ya big ‘ol poo.
Firstly, I would break into Amys and steal all those big brown tubs of Mexican Vanilla, Coffee, and Belguim Chocolate ice cream. And, when my desi uncle kicks in, I’ll also steal a pack of Double stuffed Oreos for crush ins. Das rite.
Secondly, I would hack into Zayn Malik’s Twitter account and have him declare his love for me over a span of 28 tweets which all share something amazing about me. Then, I would message his fiance, Perrie, a list of colorful profanities. I’m sure she’s a great person. But those who come in the way of true love don’t get off free handedly. It’s the Purge, people!
Thirdly, I would leave a gallon and a half of Rotten Milk outside my fifth grade science teacher, Mr. Plaine’s home. Why, you ask? Because Mr. Plaine gave me my first detention for talking too much when he specifically told me that if I talked too much he would give me detention. Gosh. Teachers are so irrational sometimes.
Fourthly, I would go to the pound and free all the caged animals. I don’t like animals, but nothing innocent deserves to die. Except cockroaches. Kill all the cockroaches, Obama.
Fifthly, (Is fifthly a thing? It is now, though), I would break into Macy’s and destroy all the crocs, clogs, ripped jeans, and advertisements for brands who refused to make teenager-sized mom jeans. Also, who in the name of American Horse Sioux (look him up) said that Flare jeans were out of fashion? On the day of the Purge, I will take a stand for all those who never got to participate in the Bell Bottom trend. Because everyone deserves a little flare.
Sixthly, (again, go with it) I would kidnap Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Vin Diesel and have them break the gas station spouts. From there, I would fill all the cars on my street with PREMIUM gasoline, free of charge. That’s right, kids. Mama’s feeling happy today.
And Mama also doesn’t feel like properly concluding this blog post, so Mama will proceed to close Mama’s laptop and go down to Mama’s freezer and eat Coconut Almond Fudge ice cream. Mama forgot who Mama is too.