So you read my blog. You double tap my instagram photos. You scroll past my tweets and roll your eyes. Today we dwell in a period where knowing someone is complteley different than, well, KNOWING them. So, if you really KNOW me, you know that if I truly want to get to know someone, I ask them personal questions such as their favorite color, restaurant, day of the week (I skipped that one while questioning Rebecca Black), accessory, book, etc. And, well, that’s when I realized that people never really care enough to ask me these questions back.
And that upsets me.
Just kidding, why have friends when you have the internet?
Point is, I asked myself these questions. Read my answers if you love your mother or if you want to go to heaven.
1. What question do you hate to answer?
“How are you?!” I don’t particularly HATE this question. I hate how it’s lost all meaning and just continues to be a portion of common courtesy. I hate to spoil it to you, but half the time someone asks “how are you?” they really don’t care.
2. Ugly and forever, or attractive and die in a year?
3. Best compliment you ever recieved?
A couple of months ago my sister and I were watching PLL* when she randomly looked at me and went “Afsheen….you’re so fun. Whenever I see you with someone, or you’re in a group, people are always having fun.” Then, she tried to hug me so I burped in her face.
*PLL or “Pretty Little Liars” is a documentary on the Discovery Channel that explores the phenomena that are cloud and weather patterns, exclusively centered toward cumulus clouds and their effect on the climate and early civilization productivity. Well, in case my mom ever asks.
4. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep?
27 hours, after I saw Nightmare on Elm Street.
5. If you had to be named after a city, street, country, etc. what would you chose?
6. What was the last thing you bought?
Hmm...I think it was either an HDMI cable, Benadryl cream, or a pack of straws. I’m not as cool as I don’t seem.
7. Are you good at cooking?
I don’t get this question. I don’t believe that anyone can really be good at cooking. Rather, there are people who know how to follow directions in a cookbook. And no. The most gourmet meal I can make is easy mac, and trust me, it isn’t as easy as it looks.
8. Have you ever been admitted into a hospital?
Twice: first, when I was born. And the second time being when I got into a car wreck almost two years ago. One year for every sock in a pair, I suppose.
9. Are you a good liar? Yes! I am an excellent liar. (see, I did it again!)
10. Who is your celebrity inspiration?
Probably Mindy Kaling, Angelina Jolie or the fish from Spongebob who is always exclaiming things about his foot. Also, the reptiles/amphibians/marching bad that continue to cheer Dora on whenever she accomplishes something.
11. Have you ever milked a cow?
One time in 2nd grade my class went on a picnic to the pioneer farm. There, an old man with only one front tooth was teaching us how to milk cows and letting us try. Once it was my turn, I poked the cow’s udder and cried the whole ride home.
12. Do you talk to yourself? Yes, all the time. Don’t we, Duriba?
13. Tell an interesting story.
So freshman year of high school one of my best friend got a goldfish (unfortunately not the edible type), whom she decided to name after me through my middle name, Afsheen. I was supremely pleased for the honor. A couple of months went by and Afsheen died, so I basically got super paranoid and refused to leave my house, seeing it as a “sign”. Did I mention I’m a little bit crazy?
14. Do you collect anything?
Yes, souls. Also, videos!
15. What’s your favorite party game?
the quiet game.
16. If you were a sumo wrestler, what would your name be?
DOORIIIBBBAA. (it has an i now, ok?)
17. What’s something your friends don’t like about you?
The fact that I’m always joking. Whenever I’m serious, I have to let them know by looking them in the eye, keeping a straight face, and holding a pocketknife to their necks.
18. What’s your favorite song?
I Like to Move It from the movie Madagascar.
19. If you discovered a new species of Dinosaur, what would you call it?
20. What was your first detention for?
One time, in fifth grade, me and this girl (she who should not be mentioned) were sitting in my science teacher at the time who also happened to be a diver, Mr. Plaine. She who should not be mentioned had this Barbie lunchbox which featured multiple Barbie characters such as Teresa, Barbie, Kelly and whatever the latino one’s name is. So I was just minding my own business when she tapped my on the shoulder and pointed to Teresa and said “This is you”, then pointed to Barbie and said “this is me”.
I was enraged.
First of all, who does this chick think she is? I’M BARBIE. I’M ALWAYS BARBIE. And now, she be like “oh, you Teresa!”. Because HELL NAW, OK? How about she be Teresa, and her mom be Kelly, and her brother be the latino one? Who does she think she is, making herself Barbie? Does she look like the speaker of the freaking house? She sure as heck doesn’t look like Barack Obama. And she wanna be Barbie? Like hitta please, you Barbie’s tutti and that’s that.
So, basically, I very upset and tried to calmly remind her who Barbie was by repeatedly jamming my finger onto her lunchbox and whispering in a voice that was not my inside voice that “THIS. IS. ME.” Then, Mr. Plaine came around with his pregnant belly and yelled at the both of us. Although only I got detention, while Mr. Plaine was screaming a stream of spit fell onto Teresa’s face.
Put her in her dang place.