Unless you live under a rock, (or around a rock. Such as “Round Rock”. You Texans feel me doe) you’ve heard of The Purge series. The second film to the sequence, “The Purge: Anarchy” was recently released, and the hype over it is KILLING ME. For those of you who are old and crumbly (We don’t judge here, okay?) or are just out of the loop, such as I was before my sister so excitedly showed me the trailer before we sat down and spent 1 hour discussing interpretations of the film, its alright. Anyway, the point of these films is that the American government is allowing 24 hours for citizens to perform any crimes without authoritative interference. People do all sorts of crazy things: murder, slap, theft, abuse, leave loose legos for their enemies to step on (god, our cruel world!), slam countertops on people’s hips, lick a chip when their frenemy reaches for it...basically the world goes (excuse my lack of a better word) CREY.
Now, what would I specifically do if the purge were to occur?
Well, let me tell you, ya big ‘ol poo.
Firstly, I would break into Amys and steal all those big brown tubs of Mexican Vanilla, Coffee, and Belguim Chocolate ice cream. And, when my desi uncle kicks in, I’ll also steal a pack of Double stuffed Oreos for crush ins. Das rite.
Secondly, I would hack into Zayn Malik’s Twitter account and have him declare his love for me over a span of 28 tweets which all share something amazing about me. Then, I would message his fiance, Perrie, a list of colorful profanities. I’m sure she’s a great person. But those who come in the way of true love don’t get off free handedly. It’s the Purge, people!
Thirdly, I would leave a gallon and a half of Rotten Milk outside my fifth grade science teacher, Mr. Plaine’s home. Why, you ask? Because Mr. Plaine gave me my first detention for talking too much when he specifically told me that if I talked too much he would give me detention. Gosh. Teachers are so irrational sometimes.
Fourthly, I would go to the pound and free all the caged animals. I don’t like animals, but nothing innocent deserves to die. Except cockroaches. Kill all the cockroaches, Obama.
Fifthly, (Is fifthly a thing? It is now, though), I would break into Macy’s and destroy all the crocs, clogs, ripped jeans, and advertisements for brands who refused to make teenager-sized mom jeans. Also, who in the name of American Horse Sioux (look him up) said that Flare jeans were out of fashion? On the day of the Purge, I will take a stand for all those who never got to participate in the Bell Bottom trend. Because everyone deserves a little flare.
Sixthly, (again, go with it) I would kidnap Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Vin Diesel and have them break the gas station spouts. From there, I would fill all the cars on my street with PREMIUM gasoline, free of charge. That’s right, kids. Mama’s feeling happy today.
And Mama also doesn’t feel like properly concluding this blog post, so Mama will proceed to close Mama’s laptop and go down to Mama’s freezer and eat Coconut Almond Fudge ice cream. Mama forgot who Mama is too.