What would you do if you found a gold lamp? If you answered “Save it for my daughter’s wedding”, you are a brown aunty and your presence on this web page is alarming. Also, please don’t tell my mom that I just did badtameezy with you. Even then, please leave. But, if you have a son who easily passes as a Zayn Malik doppelganger, has a 4.0 gpa, wants to become a doctor, spits fire, prays 5 times a day, enjoys cooking desserts, can win a sing off with an african american woman who leads the church choir, personally knows Sharukh Khan, and writes poetry, you are welcome to stay.
Anyway, a few days ago I had a daydream that I finally graduated medical school and as a treat from my proud parents, I was permitted to take a three month tour of Egypt. Now, I was currently exploring the ancient pyramids in Egypt in a Gucci velour jumpsuit. There, I ditched the sweaty tour guide and basic tourists and to go on an Indiana Jones style adventure to find a diamond encrusted skull that is equally as fabulous as moi. But don’t be fooled. I hate exploring and bugs more than anything.
But, like they say, desperate times call for desperate measures. Without a hair out of place, I went to search the dry egyptian ruins in pursuit of a McDonalds fish fillet, and instead, I found something slightly better. As I rode my skinnier-than-Kendall-Jenner camel through the desert, I noticed something glimmering in the sand. As I hopped off the camel to grasp what appeared to be a genie lamp, I begin to rub circular motions into it. Suddenly, an enormous cloud of fuschia smoke appeared and a loud voice was heard…
“Princess, princess, fairest of all the lands, no, no, you do not have chubby, clawy hands”, (wrong fairytale, but go with it anyway). As I giggled like a schoolgirl, a genie who resembled Nicholas Cage popped out of the spout of the lamp. I gawked in confusion, clearly amused. “Tell me, queen. What are your three wishes pertaining to this life?” Three wishes? I thought. And all for me? Before my mouth would take off and request an endless supply of Elevation burgers and every Bollywood film on dvd, I pinched myself and sat down to think.
I was baffled, excited, confused and also, very weirded out. So, I excused myself for a minute and went to draft a list of things I’d very, very, much like to happen.
If I could have one wish, it would no doubt be to live a meaningful life. To be a person of rigour, one who is respectful, respected, and eventually, the face of Louis Vuitton, Burberry, and Covergirl. My philosophy in life is fairly simple: do genuine good for others, and good shall knock on your door with a party hat, confetti, a double fudge brownie and a pair of size 8 Louboutins.
My second wish would be to find a cure to cancer. I know, such a generic wish, but hey! its the truth. Cancer has affected and broken so many families, and its time this discomfort and uncertainty be assuaged. I would like to find the cure to cancer so this way, even when I die, this good deed will continue to benefit others in years to come.
My last wish would be to ease world hunger and terminate war. Yeah, I know. I’m basically Oprah, except browner and not just as fabu---yet, at least. (TANGENT ALERT) The reason I would want this to happen is basically to strike a balance in this corrupt world. It really hurts me to see waiters tossing half eaten fried chicken legs (mmmm, chicken) in the trash when children not many miles away would fight tooth and nail for it. As for war, why must human lives be trashed to settle disputes over things as one-dimensional as land? Why can’t all the political leaders just play one big game of Monopoly? People will probably jeer at me for that statement, but here’s the justification. Political leaders are the mirror reflection of the people, places, food, sports, physical and mental health, culture and order of the country they represent. If they are smart enough to win a game as mentally and physically stimulating as Monopoly, they deserve to succeed whatever conflict. Plus, this would be a cheaper solution that is definitely much more mature than war.