​And I understand why everything has been so out of place, and why I can’t find solace in sleep or in prayer. Reflect my heart whispers. And don’t you dare leave out a single detail. 

I plan not to. 

College is both alike and different from what I expected. There is so much to do, so many options, so many resources, so many directions. Everything is big and wide, far and fast. I am an onlooker, dazed at the world around me. Everyone is loving at full speed, rushing to classes, bags on their backs and under their eyes. And their eyes? Glued to pixels on screens, furiously typing or scrolling, like the world is frozen. 

Sometimes, I’ll look away from my own computer screen, searching for some sign of life. An awkward eye contact, a shy smile, an eye roll. Nothing. 

And yes, it will get better and worse. No, I am not prepared for any of it. 

On the first day of college, I woke up early, nervous and afraid. Nothing was good enough: not my outfit, not my breakfast, not my attitude. I didn’t know what to expect. Once the “good luck!” texts poured in from my dear friends, I was calm and collected but simultaneously overwhelmed. On the way there, I fumbled with my fingers in the passenger seat of my mother’s minivan. Silence, The Beatles, Mohammad Rafi... everything felt uncomfortable. To ease my nerves, I played Steve Jobs’ Stanford Commencement speech. I recited the words I knew along, and everything felt okay for a little while. 

My first affair was a group meeting with some kids from my major. Our mentor was a perky brunette named Ashley who was too excited to see us. While most kids seemed uninterested, I was astounded by her radiance. She was warm and inviting, and promised that everything would get easier eventually. I didn’t know if I should believe her.

I remember the rest of the day’s academics in flashes of long walks across campus and big lecture halls. I remember the light bouncing off of my bald professor’s head as he made another dad joke only I found funny, and I remember sitting in music class with Mehdi as he hummed along to the jazz piece the professor played. I remember feeling out of place in my brother’s t-shirt and baggy jeans. 

I also remember Hibah texting me to come over, eating grilled cheese sandwiches on the wooden floor of her apartment and ending up laughing at nothing in a thrift shop with her among many smelly sweaters. I remember buying two tops that were essentially the same but convincing myself they were different, and I recall meeting with friends who asked too many questions about my wellbeing I somehow didn’t know the answers to. I remember sitting in a conference study room surrounded by them, their smiles, notebooks, syllabi and an empty feeling. I remember soaking in my surroundings: black leather chairs, light bouncing off a Hibah’s headphones, peeking at my reflection in the laptop screen and noticing my peeling lipstick. 

I recall ending back at Hibah’s home and sharing secrets and giggling on her black couch, and I recall making way to my sister’s new place shortly after. I recall her friends asking me how my day was, and I remember being honest about it. I remember the exhausted car ride home watching the city lights dance away to the beat of “Cheap Thrills”. 

Most importantly, I remember watching the pearly moon hanging in the sky from my bed and telling myself, “Duriba Khan, this is your life and you will be both happy and sad and as long as you are never one without the other, it will all be okay”.

Ah, good ‘ol high school. 

Once you graduate, you begin to see everything in a different light. The crazy shenanigans you pulled weeks ago seem elementary and a thing of your past. Once you’ve had a taste of college, high school seems restrictive, kiddish, and illogical. 

But to get to the stage of graduating and reminiscing, you have to graduate (preferably successfully). You have to start fresh and determined, and finish strong. 

Because I have younger siblings and friends still withstanding the wrath of high school, I have collected a list of tips from my deep, dark past that will come in handy in times of college applications, AP tests, and the moment you walk the stage. 

1. Make a list of goals. If you’re just starting high school, make a list of goals for each year. If you’re mid year, do the same until senior year. You’ll be surprised at how much or little you expected for yourself and how far you got. 
2. Volunteer! And don’t only volunteer, look for causes that relate to the major you want to pursue, and most importantly, LOG YOUR HOURS! Make it a point for yourself to volunteer every other weekend, and keep a record of this.
3. Start your resume. There’s plenty of templates online that can help with this. Simply find one from an older sibling or alumni, and simulate the format, but input your own data. It’s hard to sit down and collect all the data, but when you do, you’ll thank yourself.
4. Don’t just join clubs, try to get a leadership role in each club. From student council to the newspaper community, find your niche and grow, grow, grow!
5. Make friends with staff members and faculty, they’ll come in handy when you need letters of reference (bonus points if you are in good cahoots with english teachers or teachers who graduated from good universities). Although colleges only ask for three letters, submit five.
6. Make friends with older kids/college kids. They’ll come in handy when you need help with college apps. 
7. COMPETITIONS! Whenever you get the change, participate in competitions. From forensic competitions like debate and speech, to improv or short film competitions, be on the search to broadcast your work and stun others. This will look fantastic on a resume. Look to do about five smaller competitions (like UIL tournaments) and prepare yourself to place. Participation certificates are gross. 
8. Brainstorm about your college application essays WAYYY beforehand. Talk to elders and other college students and ask them to review your ideas and help you organize your thoughts. 
9. Organize a calendar and set deadlines for yourself. If you’re applying to multiple universities, write down deadlines in your agendas, and DO NOT save everything for later! College isn’t a history project you can procrastinate on. This is the rest of your life on the line. 
10. Lastly, go with the flow. Perhaps you love a thing that is bad for you, or perhaps you hate a thing that is good for you. You NEVER know! So don’t limit possibilities and relax a little. Everything is exactly the way it was written to be. 

The last day of my internship was today, college orientation is tomorrow, and today is the first day of school for my alma matter (and I’m not there??). 

Life is moving quickly, and instead of stepping up to the plate, I want to drown my sorrows in chocolate pudding and Kate Spade journals (that’ll I’ll happily fill with more woes). I’m afraid of the future: not having friends, not getting into graduate school, not getting my license in time, getting bad grades...it’s overwhelming and listless and GAH WHY DO I HAVE TO GROW UP. And the worst part of it all, Mamma’s not going to be there to hold my hand (and occasionally slap me upside the head for being incompetent). 

That’s right, it’s Duriba Khan vs. the big, bad adult world. 

Soon, I’ll have to whip myself into shape and evolve into the type of person who carries breath mints and packs their own lunch. I’ll have to take my life seriously, and probably go to sleep earlier than 4 am if I want to be prepared for school. I’ll have to color code my notebooks and send emails with ACTUAL typed subjects instead of gibberish. 

Because how much longer can we hide?! School begins soon, and that means organizing our sleep schedules, getting our lives on track, and keeping our goals in mind. 

But fear not if you find yourself in the same predicament: I’ve done my research. Now presenting, tips for college (directed at college freshmen, but literally anyone can benefit)!!!!

1. ALWAYS go to class. 
2. Get involved.
3. Always back up files (HOWYA DOING GOOGLE DRIVE!?!)
4. Budget (this means not eating out every day). 
5. Sleep. Gossip Girl is important, but not that important.
6. Eat healthy (switch Jamba Juice for a Caramel Waffle Cone Frappe occasionally). 
7. Get to know your professors: become their bff. 
8. Buy a parking pass if you gotta!!
9. Be professional: you never know what behavior will make an impression and on who. 
10. Try out different study styles such as group study, or bullet studying.
11. Get a tutor if you need one. 
12. Put your alarm clock out of reach so you can’t easy set it off. 
13. Start your resume now, you’ll thank yourself later.
14. Go to career fairs! Who knows, maybe you’ll fall in love with becoming a cow milker?!
15. Try new things. College is about discovery, so do things you normally wouldn't. 
16. GO TO THE GYM! YOUR TUMMY HAS A TUMMY!
17. Speak out in class. If you have a question, ask. If you have an answer, speak up. 
18. Create goals for yourself: social goals, educational goals, etc. 
19. Don’t cling to your highschool friends. Obviously, keep in touch, but don’t limit yourself to your high school clique. Get out there, kid. 
20. Keep reading books for fun. Trust me, it’ll make your life a billion times better. 
21. Your GPA is your north star! To prop it up, 1) read notes before bed, 2) study in advance, and 3) read notes out loud. Because pain is temporary, GPA is forever!!!