So now, I’m sitting on a isolated coach on the UH campus contently sipping coconut water and praying that nobody finds me and send me to another (usually) useless workshop where I’ll scan the room for Zayn Malik doppelgängers or Mexican food instead of ponder the purpose of my existence.
And while my ice cream cone drips onto my keyboard, I sit back, stunned, and remember that tomorrow is my birthday.
I’ve always been kind of obsessed with birthdays. A whole day dedicated to celebrating your existence, ambition and qualities is an especially exciting feat for an egotistical maniac like meh-self. And c’mon, who doesn’t love being surrounded by people singing to you while they light an item of consumption, only for you to blow it out shortly afterward with a devious grin?
Most people think birthdays are a time for presents and joy and cookies and laughter, but I like to add dimension to things (like my lower abdomen)... a birthday is a time to thank God for your existence and appreciate your family, friends, and iPhones. A time for you to ackowledge yourself and how flipping cool you are. Because you are, so celebrate that shr*mp.
All in all, sixteen has been such an exciting and wonderful year. I have learned so much about myself, my family, friends, and random strangers, and have grown to realize how stupendously dynamic life is.
Below are some of these life changing lessons.
1. You need to be ok with yourself before pursuing others.
2. Gossiping is so bad and never ok.
3. Don’t text while people are talking to you.
4. You can never go wrong with an indian man impression.
5. Sometimes it is okay to let go and realize that some things are beyond your control.
6. Seriously think before you declare your opinion out loud.
7. You might not look like a “prepubescent indian boy” if you cut your hair short.
8. Most people are peasants.
9. Don’t ever ignore the weird girl in a conversation.
10. Always take the Starbucks picture. Who cares if anyone sees? If ya didn’t snap it, it didn’t happen honey.
11. At the end of the day, make the decision that pleases you and will benefit you in the long run.
12. Sometimes you really need to be alone for a while. Learn to be ok by yourself.
13. It’s okay if you put the Snapchat bar on your zits.
14. Nobody cares about your boy drama, friend drama, sister drama, cheeto drama or pet dog drama. Like I’m sorry, but I REALLY JUST DON’T CARE IF HE FURROWED HIS BROWS AT YOU HE LOOKS LIKE AND ACTS LIKE A JITTERY COCKROACH FOR GODS SAKE.
15. If you know someone worked hard on something, don’t criticize them when its all over. They can’t fix the problem so what’s the point of making them feel bad about it?
16. Always keep cash on you.
17. If a drunk person ever approaches you, don’t insist on singing Uptown Funk with them.
18. If you feel like you have to pee, just pee. Don’t wait.
19. Everything is okay in improv.
20. You don’t always have to be honest. Sometimes you can shut your face.
21. Do not regret rolling your eyes at that one rowdy brown guy who finds it extremely crucial to add you on Snapchat.
So yeah, Happy Birthday to me. I’m alive and well and mint chocolate chip ice cream exists. I’m older and wiser and will never stop making pregnant whale sounds in class and blaming them on my peers.